I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Icarus loved hot wings.
Very problematic
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Lmao
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
We need to put an American base on the sun
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat