I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw