I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
You Might Also Like
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
3% human
97% stress
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My love language is hissing.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.