I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Breaking news:
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.