I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
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Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work