I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
