Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

(more comics:

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

so this horse walks into a bar

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)