I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
You Might Also Like
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
March 16
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.