I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.