I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
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My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!