I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
😭😭
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Planet of the Apps.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
