I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
