I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning