I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.