I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
That’s easy for you to say
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower