I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa