I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
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Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Cherry seeds are just the pits.