Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression

Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-

Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.

My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?

A Slipper

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word