I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining