I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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live long and prosper!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
This squirrel eats better than I do
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
no such thing as a dumb question
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭