I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
True
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.