Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’