I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
This could be us, but you weedin’.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give