I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant