I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable