I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
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me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Good morning
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
how was your vacation
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall