Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No