I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
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An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40