I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
You Might Also Like
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD