I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You Might Also Like
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
i was baptized in a car wash
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet