Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…

is losing your mind a hobby?

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: oh god

doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”