I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.