I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Breaking news:
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see