I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
the saddest jazz hands ever
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me