I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Me, reading some of your tweets
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.