I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
My dog ate my work from home.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.