I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird