I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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lot going on here, legally speaking.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.