I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
