Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

This is painfully accurate 😅

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

Breaking news:

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe