Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough

Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.