Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Happens to everyone.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”