I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.