I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Good morning!
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.