I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.