Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRAIN’S HERE

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

the three branches of government

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.