Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.