I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on