Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Deer: *frozen in headlights*

Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

i love meeting boys on tinder

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.