Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

With this onion ring, I thee fed

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?