Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

🤣🤣🤣

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???