Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Thinking about Jeff

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

🪶

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.