I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
thanksgiving in nutshell
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
“I wouldn’t.”
Me irl
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw