I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
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Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Wow 🤣
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Coffee is ready.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*