Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

doing some research

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.