Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

and now we wait

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

as is their right

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?