I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Okay this one takes it home
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
12653.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier