I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
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Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
😾
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Smooooooth
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.