I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!