I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
😂🖐️
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.