I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
you could not pay me to delete this app
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
