I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy