I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy