Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

I’ve disappointed better people.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.