I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
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Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.