I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
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I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
adding to the discourse
