Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

ㅤ

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.