I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.