Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

You deplete me

⚠️ Important Reminder:

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards