I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Children of the corn 🌽
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.