I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave