I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
You Might Also Like
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.