I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no