I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”