Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.