Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Happy birthday to all the women

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”