Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook